Telling the Little Boys

Last night we told the little boys about the separation. Ethan was away on a school field trip so I had decided that it would be easier to tell them without him here because he already knows. I didn't want him to see them upset & I didn't want him to fall in to a roll that is more confusing than just being a big brother. Worrying about them is in his nature & I didn't want to add to his stress in any way.

Oliver was most upset that we have to move again. It was hard for me to explain to him because how do I articulate that the move last summer was one last effort to save our marriage, without saying "the move last summer was one last effort to save our marriage". I didn't say that, of course. I apologized for making him move twice in a year & I reminded him that although we wanted to move last summer, ultimately it was the Army that required us to move.

Avery seemed to understand but he kept asking how many days we would be away from Daddy. I suppose that because his entire life (5 short years) has been in a military family, he equates being away from Daddy in days. I told him there was no number of days because he would see Daddy as much as possible, even though we wouldn't see him everyday.

It was a very difficult conversation. I had to bite my cheek so that I wouldn't cry.

Before bed Oliver asked me if we could talk alone. He wanted to ask me if this was his fault. He said that he knew we fought a lot about stuff he did. I promised him that it wasn't his fault. I just let him know that Moms & Dads don't always get along forever. I'm not sure if he believed me. I will have to be careful to remind him whenever possible that this situation is not his fault. He also informed me that he wasn't sure if he could get his homework done before bed... homework I didn't know he had. It was such an Oliver thing to do! I told him not to worry about it & I wrote his teacher a note. She excused him from homework for the week. I figure he should take what he can get! =)

Today's questions were about boyfriends & girlfriends. Will Mommy get a boyfriend? Will Daddy? My answer about myself was "No, not for a long time", & I mean that. Jared's answer was similar although Avery figured he could have a woman soon. (his words, not mine) I stepped in to say that we should worry about more pressing issues, like the cookies that were cooling in the kitchen... & that was enough to distract them.

I realized (or re-realized) when I was talking to the boys about everything that I am making a good choice. Jared is SO, SO different than I am. It is truly unbelievable. I did all the talking, he barely said a word. I would look to him when they asked a question but he would look right back at me, without responding. I did 98% of the talking. It was both stressful & reassuring to me. I need someone (a LONG time from now) who can let me be a leader but who can also identify when I need help... & then move mountains to help me. I need someone who would sit beside me (not lay on the couch) & support me while I talked to my kids about a difficult subject. I need someone who would recognize the certain look on my face or the beginning of tears in my eyes & would jump in to support me. I need someone who gives a shit.

Overall I feel better now that they know. Now I won't be sneaking around, making calls & Googling things... I can do the things I need to do without hiding.

My boys are going to be okay. I will make sure of it. Even though I know there will be more tears & more sad moments during this transition, I know in the end that everything will be good for us. I just KNOW it.

Me.