For two years I posted on a blog each day. (SHAMELESS PLUG: http://my-glass-is-both.blogspot.ca/) At first it was excitement of a new goal that kept me going. As the months drew on, it was the commitment to the goal that kept me going & then as the first year came to an end, it was the habit of it that kept me logging on each day.
After the first year, I wasn't quite ready to give up my daily post. Until New Year's Eve, I had been undecided. By mid-day I decided that December 31, 2012 would indeed be my last entry. Then I started drinking. After reminiscing about the blog & re-reading some of the more popular entries, I promptly changed my mind. I woke up on January 1, 2013 & I posted.
I muddled through 2013 with some comical posts but mainly I used the blog as a diary. Being "forced" to write every day meant that some of the posts were short & sweet & others were just downright boring & meaningless. I used "forced" because I was the only one "forcing" myself... & near the end of 2013, that is exactly what it took to keep up with my commitment.
I ended the blog on December 31, 2013 but the truth is, I blogged everyday for the month of January & in to February. I saved these posts but I didn't publish them.
After a few days in February, I started to feel the old familiar feeling creep up. The feeling of not wanting to write but forcing myself to.
So I stopped.
I stopped posting in that blog & I wrote nothing for over a week. Then I started missing it. That's how I came up with the idea for this one. I want a place to write what I want but I also want it to be WHEN I want. I have set no rules for myself, no deadlines & no time limits. When the urge strikes, I will write. I am happy with that.
Today I had an urge. Now I feel accomplished & I can log one more post. Until next time...
Me.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Not Feeling the Best
I haven't felt good for the past couple of days. I feel like I am running on a hamster wheel because I have to keep moving, even though I don't feel like I am moving forward. Each day is as boring & uneventful as the last.
I wake up every day with a promise to myself that I will do something to feel a bit more accomplished. Then I waste my time doing nothing. Part of me feels like I should cherish these lazy days but part of me is scared to death that I am TOO lazy to succeed in what I am about to do.
Jared is going on a course in March. He will be gone for 6 weeks. I HOPE that I will feel a sense of renewed energy when I have some time to myself. I HOPE I feel better.
Spring is around the corner & I know that will help. I just wish I could fast forward to May, so that I can start putting all the plans I have been obsessing about in to action. I keep telling myself to relax & enjoy these lazy days because soon they will be a memory.
Me.
I wake up every day with a promise to myself that I will do something to feel a bit more accomplished. Then I waste my time doing nothing. Part of me feels like I should cherish these lazy days but part of me is scared to death that I am TOO lazy to succeed in what I am about to do.
Jared is going on a course in March. He will be gone for 6 weeks. I HOPE that I will feel a sense of renewed energy when I have some time to myself. I HOPE I feel better.
Spring is around the corner & I know that will help. I just wish I could fast forward to May, so that I can start putting all the plans I have been obsessing about in to action. I keep telling myself to relax & enjoy these lazy days because soon they will be a memory.
Me.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Telling the Little Boys
Last night we told the little boys about the separation. Ethan was away on a school field trip so I had decided that it would be easier to tell them without him here because he already knows. I didn't want him to see them upset & I didn't want him to fall in to a roll that is more confusing than just being a big brother. Worrying about them is in his nature & I didn't want to add to his stress in any way.
Oliver was most upset that we have to move again. It was hard for me to explain to him because how do I articulate that the move last summer was one last effort to save our marriage, without saying "the move last summer was one last effort to save our marriage". I didn't say that, of course. I apologized for making him move twice in a year & I reminded him that although we wanted to move last summer, ultimately it was the Army that required us to move.
Avery seemed to understand but he kept asking how many days we would be away from Daddy. I suppose that because his entire life (5 short years) has been in a military family, he equates being away from Daddy in days. I told him there was no number of days because he would see Daddy as much as possible, even though we wouldn't see him everyday.
It was a very difficult conversation. I had to bite my cheek so that I wouldn't cry.
Before bed Oliver asked me if we could talk alone. He wanted to ask me if this was his fault. He said that he knew we fought a lot about stuff he did. I promised him that it wasn't his fault. I just let him know that Moms & Dads don't always get along forever. I'm not sure if he believed me. I will have to be careful to remind him whenever possible that this situation is not his fault. He also informed me that he wasn't sure if he could get his homework done before bed... homework I didn't know he had. It was such an Oliver thing to do! I told him not to worry about it & I wrote his teacher a note. She excused him from homework for the week. I figure he should take what he can get! =)
Today's questions were about boyfriends & girlfriends. Will Mommy get a boyfriend? Will Daddy? My answer about myself was "No, not for a long time", & I mean that. Jared's answer was similar although Avery figured he could have a woman soon. (his words, not mine) I stepped in to say that we should worry about more pressing issues, like the cookies that were cooling in the kitchen... & that was enough to distract them.
I realized (or re-realized) when I was talking to the boys about everything that I am making a good choice. Jared is SO, SO different than I am. It is truly unbelievable. I did all the talking, he barely said a word. I would look to him when they asked a question but he would look right back at me, without responding. I did 98% of the talking. It was both stressful & reassuring to me. I need someone (a LONG time from now) who can let me be a leader but who can also identify when I need help... & then move mountains to help me. I need someone who would sit beside me (not lay on the couch) & support me while I talked to my kids about a difficult subject. I need someone who would recognize the certain look on my face or the beginning of tears in my eyes & would jump in to support me. I need someone who gives a shit.
Overall I feel better now that they know. Now I won't be sneaking around, making calls & Googling things... I can do the things I need to do without hiding.
My boys are going to be okay. I will make sure of it. Even though I know there will be more tears & more sad moments during this transition, I know in the end that everything will be good for us. I just KNOW it.
Me.
Oliver was most upset that we have to move again. It was hard for me to explain to him because how do I articulate that the move last summer was one last effort to save our marriage, without saying "the move last summer was one last effort to save our marriage". I didn't say that, of course. I apologized for making him move twice in a year & I reminded him that although we wanted to move last summer, ultimately it was the Army that required us to move.
Avery seemed to understand but he kept asking how many days we would be away from Daddy. I suppose that because his entire life (5 short years) has been in a military family, he equates being away from Daddy in days. I told him there was no number of days because he would see Daddy as much as possible, even though we wouldn't see him everyday.
It was a very difficult conversation. I had to bite my cheek so that I wouldn't cry.
Before bed Oliver asked me if we could talk alone. He wanted to ask me if this was his fault. He said that he knew we fought a lot about stuff he did. I promised him that it wasn't his fault. I just let him know that Moms & Dads don't always get along forever. I'm not sure if he believed me. I will have to be careful to remind him whenever possible that this situation is not his fault. He also informed me that he wasn't sure if he could get his homework done before bed... homework I didn't know he had. It was such an Oliver thing to do! I told him not to worry about it & I wrote his teacher a note. She excused him from homework for the week. I figure he should take what he can get! =)
Today's questions were about boyfriends & girlfriends. Will Mommy get a boyfriend? Will Daddy? My answer about myself was "No, not for a long time", & I mean that. Jared's answer was similar although Avery figured he could have a woman soon. (his words, not mine) I stepped in to say that we should worry about more pressing issues, like the cookies that were cooling in the kitchen... & that was enough to distract them.
I realized (or re-realized) when I was talking to the boys about everything that I am making a good choice. Jared is SO, SO different than I am. It is truly unbelievable. I did all the talking, he barely said a word. I would look to him when they asked a question but he would look right back at me, without responding. I did 98% of the talking. It was both stressful & reassuring to me. I need someone (a LONG time from now) who can let me be a leader but who can also identify when I need help... & then move mountains to help me. I need someone who would sit beside me (not lay on the couch) & support me while I talked to my kids about a difficult subject. I need someone who would recognize the certain look on my face or the beginning of tears in my eyes & would jump in to support me. I need someone who gives a shit.
Overall I feel better now that they know. Now I won't be sneaking around, making calls & Googling things... I can do the things I need to do without hiding.
My boys are going to be okay. I will make sure of it. Even though I know there will be more tears & more sad moments during this transition, I know in the end that everything will be good for us. I just KNOW it.
Me.
Sunday, February 16, 2014
Wondering & Rainbows
Lately I spend a lot (A LOT) of time wondering. I wonder about the next few years of my life. I wonder how the actual move will go. I wonder what my new house will look like. I wonder what kind of car I will get. I wonder about the new friends I will meet will be like. I wonder what job I will get. I wonder how it will feel to go to sleep on the first night in my new place... the start of my new life.
I spent a lot of time wondering about all these same types of questions last spring before we were posted. The wondering was exciting... it kept me looking forward to the move through all the stress. I wondered so much about the fun stuff that I neglected to wonder about my marriage & if it would survive. Turns out, it didn't. The troubles in my marriage were like the little black that followed me around... a little black cloud that I completely ignored! I ignored that cloud as much as I could, but it found me eventually!
This time... there is no black cloud... all I have is possibility. I'm not saying that there won't be hardships or negative moments, but the negative parts will be mine & mine alone! I have a plan for if (or when) the little black clouds approach my life. I plan to face the clouds head on, let them rain & then make my own rainbow. I am determined to live among rainbows. It doesn't seem impossible anymore.
I will keep wondering. I won't ever stop.
Me.
I spent a lot of time wondering about all these same types of questions last spring before we were posted. The wondering was exciting... it kept me looking forward to the move through all the stress. I wondered so much about the fun stuff that I neglected to wonder about my marriage & if it would survive. Turns out, it didn't. The troubles in my marriage were like the little black that followed me around... a little black cloud that I completely ignored! I ignored that cloud as much as I could, but it found me eventually!
This time... there is no black cloud... all I have is possibility. I'm not saying that there won't be hardships or negative moments, but the negative parts will be mine & mine alone! I have a plan for if (or when) the little black clouds approach my life. I plan to face the clouds head on, let them rain & then make my own rainbow. I am determined to live among rainbows. It doesn't seem impossible anymore.
I will keep wondering. I won't ever stop.
Me.
Friday, February 14, 2014
Plain Old Me
This summer I will be leaving my marriage. I am moving my 3 boys back to my home province & I will be a single Mom. To say that I am nervous about doing this is an understatement. I worry about it constantly. I worry about where we will live, where I will work, how much money will I make, how will the boys handle the news, will they like their new school, will they still like me, where will I get a bed, & where will I get a toaster? These are SOME of my worries.
SIDE NOTE: Weirdly enough, these worries literally keep me awake at night but during the day, I am confident! The mind works in mysterious ways, doesn't it!?!
One thing I don't worry about, or rather, no longer worry about, is if I am making the right choice. I know absolutely, for sure that I am making the right choice. This marriage has been broken for a long time. Lately, it is so wounded that I have a hard time remembering a time when it wasn't. Although my husband & I are very amicable about the situation, the truth of the matter is, we are done being married to each other. Hmmm, maybe THAT is why we are so amicable about it all?
SIDE NOTE: See?? THIS ^ is why I love blogging SO much!!! Figuring my crap out while I type!! Cheaper than paying a shrink!
Anyways, this blog isn't about my bad marriage, although I am sure certain examples will come up. This blog is about me... Plain old me. I am a 35 year old woman about to be on my own again. My 3 little hoodlums (my affectionate name for my kids) will be my rock through all of this & this blog will be an outlet for me to vent, celebrate, feel sorry for myself & a place to kick my own ass when I need it.
Breaking up was hard, even when the time was right, but waking up in to a new me & a new life will be easy! Or at least that's what I tell myself!!!
Me.
SIDE NOTE: Weirdly enough, these worries literally keep me awake at night but during the day, I am confident! The mind works in mysterious ways, doesn't it!?!
One thing I don't worry about, or rather, no longer worry about, is if I am making the right choice. I know absolutely, for sure that I am making the right choice. This marriage has been broken for a long time. Lately, it is so wounded that I have a hard time remembering a time when it wasn't. Although my husband & I are very amicable about the situation, the truth of the matter is, we are done being married to each other. Hmmm, maybe THAT is why we are so amicable about it all?
SIDE NOTE: See?? THIS ^ is why I love blogging SO much!!! Figuring my crap out while I type!! Cheaper than paying a shrink!
Anyways, this blog isn't about my bad marriage, although I am sure certain examples will come up. This blog is about me... Plain old me. I am a 35 year old woman about to be on my own again. My 3 little hoodlums (my affectionate name for my kids) will be my rock through all of this & this blog will be an outlet for me to vent, celebrate, feel sorry for myself & a place to kick my own ass when I need it.
Breaking up was hard, even when the time was right, but waking up in to a new me & a new life will be easy! Or at least that's what I tell myself!!!
Me.
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